On the ferry to the World Champs 2021

Unconsciously, I ask myself those habitual questions. What have I learnt this year to better prepare myself for the demands of another major international competition? Am I fitter? Stronger? Better mentally able to look after myself if I make mistakes?

I’ve worked hard this year to manage my confidence, which really boils down to learning to forgive myself for those mistakes I make along this all-consuming pursuit to win races. In fact this year, my primary goal has been to discover methods to somehow overcome the immense pressure I’ve piled on myself since I started competing aged twelve. A pressure that has at times, produced such a vile and vicious self-loathing that has left me stricken in a boring, exhausting black hole.

The sun dazzles overhead as we chug south across the Mediterranean, direction Sardinia. I’m somewhat alone in my state of alertness. The rest succumb to a sloth-like stupor. Perhaps it’s the unsolicited pre-Worlds tension rising. More likely the colossal number of pistachio nuts I’ve eaten, but I’m alert this morning after our early start.

My mind strays back to those questions. A part of me though, is afraid of the answers, and to some extent the questions themselves. In line with my latest endeavours to embrace these musings as opposed to simply pushing them to one side, I try to half-heartedly answer them. This year I’ve gone down so many roads to discover how to “play the game of your life”. They have ultimately pointed to the same message: “if failure is stripped of its negative associations, if it is no longer an indictment of who you are, but an opportunity to learn, what reason is there to be fearful?” What a beautifully simple truth, but the realities of remembering to learn, forgetting the habits of a lifetime in which the internal dialogue effortlessly unleashes those negative torrents, is no mean feat.

postscript

I'm publishing this approximately two years since I wrote it. The following photo is from the podium of the Worlds, the first major international in which I broke into the top 10. It wasn't an easy week, but it was a breakthrough in many ways. I managed my chaotic head far better than ever before.